How to develop your Emotional Intelligence?

“One can only see well with the heart

What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, O princepezinho

Why are emotions so important?

Until the 20th century, intelligence was considered a cognitive function manifested in ease of memorising, speed of learning, problem solving and quick thinking. However, over time, researchers and scientists discovered that intelligence as a strictly cognitive function, without taking into account the role of emotions, did not explain personal and professional success, performance, and the influence of emotions on health and illness. Science has proven that experiencing long periods of sadness, pessimism, hostility or distrust increases the risk of developing diseases such as asthma, arthritis, ulcers and heart problems. Antonio Damasio, neurologist and neuroscientist, was the first to prove the role of emotions in better thinking and decision making, with the case of his patient Elliot. If you make decisions based on reason alone, without considering the strength and direction of your emotions, it can lead to a real disaster in your life. Elliot was professionally successful, intelligent and easy to get along with. At one point, he started having severe headaches and discovered that they were the result of a brain tumour. He had surgery which was very successful and tests indicating above average intelligence, great memory and fluent language. However, something had transformed, creating chaos in his life. If before he was a very practical person, he now spent hours concentrating on irrelevant details. Deciding what to do or making a simple choice, like choosing between a white or blue shirt, became impossible. How to explain this inability to make decisions? The answer lay in the brain. Although the surgery was successful and the intellectual functions remained intact, the areas that controlled the emotions were badly damaged.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

If you think that a lack of emotional intelligence is always the result of an anomaly in the brain, this is not always the case. So what is emotional intelligence anyway? This is a type of relational or social intelligence present in people who find it easy to understand the emotions and thoughts of others and thus communicate, relate to, and easily influence others in a particular direction. They are those who listen to understand and not to counter-argue or justify, which explains the success of great leaders such as Pope Francis, the former President of the United States of America Barack Obama, or Oprah Winfrey, businesswoman and television presenter, owner of a huge fortune and who has overcome the effects of quite traumatic events.

“Who taught you that, Doctor?

The answer, it came, ready:

The suffering.”

Albert Camus, a Peste

How is Emotional Intelligence translated?

It was the psychologist Daniel Goleman who popularised this concept in 1995 with his book “Emotional Intelligence”. Emotional competence is globally translated into two dimensions: a personal dimension, which plays a decisive role in the way one manages oneself, and a social dimension, which determines the way one relates to others. If you are emotionally intelligent, you know yourself well; you easily recognise the emotions in yourself and in others; you know how to control yourself; you are motivated and strive to improve yourself or to get what you want; and you intentionally influence other people. But to do this, they first need to get to know themselves. Otherwise it will be difficult to master, understand and relate to others.

How to take advantage of emotions and develop Emotional Intelligence?

. Self-awareness

The Chinese philosopher Lao Tse already said thousands of years ago: “He who knows others is wise, the man who knows himself is wise”. This ability to identify how you feel, to recognise your strengths and limitations and to trust your own abilities and self-worth, is fundamental in learning to maintain self-control, which popular language calls maturity, and Christianity elevates it to the place of a fundamental virtue, temperance. Without self-knowledge, you have no mastery over yourself, you have difficulty empathising and connecting with others.

. Emotional Control

For Daniel Goleman, the inability to deal with disturbing emotions or feelings such as anger, anxiety, pessimism and depression, and other toxic emotions is equivalent to the effects of smoking on the body. However if you learn to decipher and moderate your emotions, you can gain the boost of joy to relate more easily, take precautions when fear arises, or value something or someone when sadness erupts. The ability to evoke pleasant feelings, memories or thoughts can in itself make you change from a state of high tension to one of greater relaxation. Emotional control is one of the skills that most influences the ability to lead oneself and become an active builder of one’s destiny.

. Motivation

You can find one of the best examples of motivation in the film “The pursuit of happiness”, based on a true story. Chris, the protagonist, despite his efforts, could not find a job that would give him an income. His wife, pressured by the lack of money, leaves him with their five-year-old son. Chris accepts an unpaid internship with a view to a brighter future in a financial company. But without money he is forced to live on the street. Despite all the difficulties he persists in his internship and doesn’t stop paying attention to his son, who becomes the main reason to overcome all the obstacles and, finally, to have the desired future. Personal skills such as self-mastery, motivation and increased self-awareness are present in many of my clients who use coaching to motivate themselves to go further. In order to resolve the past and live more in the present, they seek psychotherapy. This healing of the mind, through words, has an enormous therapeutic power with beneficial effects, both on emotions and in the treatment of bodily illnesses, as was noted by the doctors Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung. The other qualities of emotional intelligence, such as empathy and social skills, will be discussed in a forthcoming article, in which I will also present a body of scientific data on the impact of emotional intelligence on life, work and business. Remember that developing emotional intelligence should be a concern and priority, not only yours, but also that of families and other institutions. Feelings, which are emotions that are sustained over time, help to guide thought and action, and to decide better and faster than if you use logic alone. And above all, it allows you to maintain the health of your body and mind, and thus lead a happier and more fulfilled life.