How to mourn in a time of pandemic

On 29 May 2020, at 12:30, the World Health Organization (WHO) reported 357 688 deaths worldwide attributable to COVID-19. These figures are significantly distant from the number of deaths of the pneumonics pandemic that took place between 1918-1919 (about 50 million). That catastrophe was overcome in much worse situations than today, determined by the exit from the First World War, the poor state of health of the population, among others. 

Pandemics, deaths, losses, although they are part of life, do not mean that we are prepared to deal with these situations. In the last months of the year 2020, the world has been suspended with progressive measures of confinement, which restrict individual freedom, generate confusion, uncertainty and a social and economic crisis with untold risks for mental health. The security one had is threatened by the fear of an invisible enemy COVID-19, little known, and that puts life, health, and everything we took for granted at risk, providing a set of losses that are difficult to deal with, particularly when they are ignored. 

What does it mean to grieve?

Grief is a set of reactions that follow the loss of something or someone. The psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in the 1960s, identified grief as a process present in terminally ill patients. Later she associated mourning not only with the prospect of losing one’s life due to a terminal illness, the death of a significant person, but also with other losses: job, health, infertility problems, divorce, among other life changes. 

Mourning implies recognising what one feels, not running away from one’s emotions, giving time and space to remember and to feel, as well as distracting oneself occasionally and moving on. 

What is the difference that occurs in a pandemic scenario?

The frequency and variety of losses is greater. The danger of contagion is present everywhere in the world threatening security. Deaths, compared to other years, have been increasing. Emergency and public calamity measures are followed by endangered jobs, unemployment, lower income, greater propensity to family crises and domestic violence, social distancing and isolation, less mobility due to the closing of borders, reduction of air traffic, among others. 

This is followed by a set of losses, which include the death of significant people, unemployment, low income that influence both the lifestyle, the way of working and relating to others. 

Is grief the same for everyone?

Grief is an emotional reaction to a loss, and each person reacts differently. Although it became popular that there were 5 stages in the grieving process (denial, anger, guilt, adaptation/negotiation and acceptance), for psychologist and author Michael Shermer there is no scientific evidence that these reactions can happen. 

It is important not to run away from what you feel, whether it is anger, frustration, guilt or sadness. Grieving with all the emotions involved means giving yourself space and time to accept what has happened, remember and move on. In this period you may even act as if everything is the same, be angry because you feel that what happened to you is unfair or senseless, blame yourself, grieve, cry until you accept it and move on, keeping the presence of the one you lost in your memory and thoughts or in your life. 

But, before that, one has to deal with the emotions that arise, to express what one feels, to prepare oneself for the special moments that are more likely to remember the effects of the loss and to act in the face of behavioural changes that last over time. 

Four ways to deal with grief in times of pandemic:

1. Face the anger, guilt or other emotions that overwhelm you

Anger takes many forms: blaming the person or something that contributed to their death, rebelling or blaming someone or God for what happened, for the injustice it represents. All these reactions are natural, often representing the only way to deal with the frustration associated with the disappearance of that person from life. By acknowledging these emotions you are validating the importance the person had for you, keeping the memory and finding, or renewing, a meaning to your life. 

2. Express what you feel

Deal with the taboo of death and express how you feel. It is important that you talk about what has happened, and recall the experiences you had with the person: special moments, remarkable stories. Express yourself through writing, drawing, photography, pay tribute to the person in any way you can think of. Share with others what is happening to you, especially those who may be more available, able to understand the situation, or who know the other person. This expression and homage has its privileged moments to take place after the death, at the wake and the last ceremonies. But it does not end there. 

3. Prepare for and deal with special events

Anniversaries of birth and death, holidays, Christmas, Easter or other dates or places that may be significant for your relationship with the person can arouse sadness and longing. It is normal for this to happen. Be prepared to pay one more tribute, even if it is talking about the person or having a visible photo with a flower or a candle. Do something in memory: take a walk or an activity that the person liked or anything that your imagination and sensitivity approves. Accept if you can’t cope very well, don’t force yourself to be cheerful or as if nothing is wrong. The most important thing is to acknowledge and accept how you feel. 

4. Act on prolonged emotional and physical changes

When you or someone close to you identifies prolonged changes in appetite, sleep, activity, involvement in usual activities, loss of concentration, or manifests some behaviour that you identify as bizarre, it may be time to seek specialist help from a mental health worker.  

Grief also manifests itself as a reaction to a life that is considered meaningless in the face of unfulfilled dreams or unfulfilled expectations, dissonant from the state of personal fulfilment and openness to the perspectives that life offers. In this case, it is also a loss of something, although sometimes it is difficult to differentiate whether it is a reaction to a loss or a depressive state, which occurs due to the feeling of lack of self-esteem, sufficiency or value.